Matchbooks and Pearls

Its been awhile since I’ve written on this, so I guess I should update.

Lately what I’ve been dealing with is trying to stop the itch to sell my soul and all my belongings. I have 3 ½ months left in Olympia. What is happening to my life? I graduate in 2 ½ months. I better have so fun while I’m here I guess. God damn it.
I’m on contract right now, and I’m kinda regretting it. I’ve just had almost a 5 day weekend. What am I going to do with all my time? I’ve called every travel agent in Olympia, I’ve written a badass resume, and I’ve watched Star Wars. I think I need a new hope…☺

Cas

Deleted my facebook and myspace. Feels good, although I am jittery about it. I need to disconnect for awhile.

Survey I stole from a friend on livejournal that I saw today. You looked really nice in your fancy skirt pinecone1018!

1. Is it difficult for you to look into some one's eyes when you are telling them no?
Depends on the situation, but I don’t think I have an issue with it. I don’t say no that often though.

2. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?
Probably my mom, but honestly, I don’t think I’d call anyone.

4. You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have one month to live?

(A) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?
I tell the people I already told that I would tell, but no one else.

(B) What do you do with your remaining days?
Write letters to my family and my brothers future children and Asia and Chris.

(C) Would you be afraid?
I’d cry, but then I’d get over it and not be afraid.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love?
Trust.

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
Of course get the dog, take it to the vet and pick up an application to be it’s receptionist.

7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Siberia, Chile, home

8. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you?
Nope. You die. I would be angry if anyone brought me back.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
Most of the time. Hell yes.

10. Does love = sex?
No silly!

11. Your best friend dies, what would you do?
If Asia died, I would help support her mother and sister. I’d cry for so long. I’d feel so lost. I can’t even fathom that.

12. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
No idea…

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you don't love them back?
That I don’t love them back, unfortunately this situation happens more often.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?
laughing

15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Amber this morning.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had "no regrets" what would it be?
I would have locked my door.

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?
911

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
Yes!

19. Are you old-fashioned?
No.

20. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or to never fall in love ever?
True love. I’ll live through heartbreak.

Life's got a strange quality to it right now. I'm so stressed and so sad but also so inspired and so involved. At times i want to burst into tears but right now I want to laugh until my sides hurt and smile until my face falls off. there are so many things I don't understand at all, but I've got to take the time to try. I can't believe that this stage in my life is coming to an end. i don't really understand it. I'm almost done with school. the weeks race by. It's almost Febuary. I feel like I was just kissing my friends on News Years, but now I'm staring at Vagina Monologues in the face. What do you do after this stuff?
I had a nude photo shoot with the other directors of the Vag Mons and Amber, which was amazing! It was so much fun to be happy and naked with other comfortable women. I miss being naked. Right after I went to get my hair cut. It's great. It's shorter and curlier. the first part of being there I cried so hard because the hairdressers, who were this adorable gay couple, told me over and over not to cut my hair. It was too much confrontation for me to handle.
I also went to Seattle with a fake id. I went to a bar for the first time. it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. It was expensive and there were gross men that I had to flip off.
Don't know what to do with myself. I'm longing for something more than I have. I'm being silly. I'm just trying to remember to live. Isn't it funny how hard that gets sometimes?

life has changed a lot in the recent months and will continue to do so. I'm still getting adjusted to these new differences. Sometimes it's way to hard and I can't breathe, but then I think of something Hudson used to write on his arm when he would trip on Acid. "Everything is going to be alright." It's true. It will be. We've got one life to live right now. Let's do it. Let's go big with everything, love, pain, laughter, tears. Go big or go home!

Fell of my bike today. Funniest stuff ever. I slid four feet on the ice. It seems I've started a tradition of bike accidents on the first day of every quarter. Maybe I should starting thinking about that helmet in my closet.

I'm in Texas and my heart is broken. I don't know what to do from here.

So life has been interesting lately. I've been on break, which is a strange sensation. I actually just sat down today. I just sat and did nothing and I realized how amazing that felt. I haven't had enough time to just sit lately.
I'm going home this week. It should be interesting. I want to hug my mom. I want to go to the doctor. I've been really anemic lately. I've been waking up with whole limbs with no blood in them. Now even when I'm awake my body will randomly go numb, and my arteries ache. Weird. I'm definitely getting it checked out.
So in the last two days, I've helped two good friends organize their rooms. We've sorted and rearranged and donated. It was good, but it made me realize that I need to clean my own shit too. I forget about myself a lot I think. It also reminded me of how glad I am to have this head on my shoulders.
Derek and I got our roommates today! Their names are Cameron and Ben. I'm excited, but nervous for the dynamic shift. Derek and I just kinda hang out and are super easygoing, so I hope these dudes are up for that. They were the best folks that responded to our ads.
I've also been really angry at the idea of catty girls. I'm finding out about all these girls who hated me my freshman year because I was competition. I never even picked up on it because I wasn't expecting it, and besides, all the girls were really nice to my face. This really upsets me. How can we stand up together in solidarity and support each other when we are tearing each other down? I don't understand this and granted, this may be because I've been sheltered from this type of interaction, i.e. I'm pretty and confident and went to a great high school. But still! Ladies! Unite! Don't fuck each other up!
Agrrhhhh! I want to change this shit and don't know where to start. I hope that by starting the club that I am (Womens power and solidarity) that I can at lease change something. Also by promoting community with the Vagina Monologues. I hope I hope I hope.
Got my I-Ching set ready again. That shit took me a lifetime to get back into. Now its making it.



Okay. I'm going to clean my room. I'm going to put my brain together. I'm going to do yoga and go on a walk and sleep well without being plagued by these dreams that visit me. I'm going to breathe. I'm going to practice.


I leave myself with a quote I heard on the radio today with Amber...
"Anything that isn't growing is dead."
~Lauren Hill

I'm really confused right now and I feel like sobbing. I don't know how much hope I have anymore, for anything. This isn't saying that I'm suicidal or anything, it's just that I haven't experienced anything inspiring and soul refreshing in a while and that gets me down. I remember, when my worries and heartbreak weren't so big, my hope could be replenished just by looking at an awesome cloud or something, but now I feel like I need something a lot bigger to come along. I know I'm the only one to be able to bring that on too, so it's on me. I guess I just had so much hope for life last year, and now I'm down and out and lower than I've ever been.
Well SHIT.

Dude, It's fucking cold, but good to be home.

Hey Asia!
Sorry about the phone call being too late. I really didn’t even remember that there was a time change. It didn’t even occur to me. I won’t call that late again unless I’m sobbing and have no one to turn too.
Okay, so… thanks for trying to talk me out of getting a tattoo. You raised great points, as you always do. You planted a great seed of doubt in my plans, thank you (I’m not being sarcastic) I really appreciate it. You made me think.
I got a tattoo. I love it. You’ll laugh at me and shake your head, but you’ll love it too. It’s a peacock feather going from my ankle to the top of my foot. I’ll put a picture up on facebook, look for it.
So I feel like I should defend my decision to do this. At first, it was just an idea that I got so excited about. That night I set up an appointment to get it. That’s when I called you. I was jazzed, and then I got your message. I wasn’t so jazzed after. I was really worried that I was doing it for the wrong reasons, that I wasn’t being reasonable. I expressed these fears to my good friend Amber and she tore them down. She raised some great points that I also agree with, so here we go…
1) You’re right, tattoos are unnecessary, completely. That’s the point. It’s like wearing layers of clothing. Completely unnecessary, except for expression, the most important thing we have. Even if this tattoo becomes the bane of my existence, I will still have it. It will still mark a time when I felt so strongly about something that I was willing to endure this pain and the promise of FOREVER. I’m young. This tattoo marks a time in my life, a time of my history. When it’s wrinkled (which it won’t be, I researched so much about wrinkly feet. It doesn’t happen) it will be ugly and grotesque, but I’ll look at it and smile or cry or hate it, remembering this time in my life. This hard time in my life.
2) Tattoos are expensive. This was actually your hardest argument. I was really worried about how expensive it would be. I talked to my artist about the cost and he said it might be 300 dollars. I freaked. What a waste! But it wasn’t. It was only $70. It was worth it. Of course, it was only 70 because I sat so well (I didn’t twitch or move, I just breathed. The artist said I was a beautiful sitter and he’d tattoo me anytime. This is a HUGE compliment) and it only took 35 minutes.
3) I disagree that multiple tattoos subtract from the significance of the first. My goddess is very important to me, no less so because I have another tattoo. They both symbolize very different things, but similar aspects of myself. The feather symbolizes grace and getting through life with as much grace as possible. I feel like no matter what is handed to us and how hard and fucked up life is, the part that actually matters is how we handle these challenges, not necessarily the challenges themselves.
4) I don’t think I’m addicted to tattoos. They hurt like hell. This one especially. We’ll have to see about this one I suppose.
5) And plus, you know that I’m not destructive. I’m all about life. This is expression not destruction. Cultures are not defined by one trait. I know you know this.
6) Don’t be disappointed in me. I’m not, but it would be hard to stand it if you were.

I of course want to talk about all of this more with you NEXT WEEK!!!! I see you so soon!!! Hooray!
I’m really glad you got accepted to UMASS! What are they offering you in terms of scholarships? What about Smith? Update Update!
This month has been really hard, and the month before, and all the ones before that I suppose. I’m getting used to it. I just want a hug from you. I feel so grown up now. I feel so old.
I love you my goddess. Smile at Cassiopeia for me. I’ll be smiling back.

So, I'm doing data analyzing right now. It's pretty intense.
Last night, I got my second tattoo. It hurt so much. It's a peacock feather going from my ankle to the top of foot. It symbolizes having grace throughout life, through all of the fucking challenges and heartbreak. I believe that the most important thing that we can do is to keep going and deal with everything the best we can. It's really all we have.
Amber was my tattoo dula. I don't think I could have done it without her holding my hand and talking to me about life and how beautiful the world was.
The Man who did my tat also was the person who did my first tat. He said two years ago that I was a horrible sitter (I twitched and had trouble sitting still) but last night he said that I was amazing. I don't know why it made me so proud. He said that I did so well that the hour to two hours it was going to take turned in to only thirty minutes.
I wasn't going to tell anyone I love about it. I told Asia that I was thinking about getting one and she yelled at me over facebook. It made me really nervous and it planted a seed of doubt. But then Amber said that we only are young for such a short time, and even if the fucking tattoo is horrible and I get all wrinkly, it will still symbolize a time in my life that I felt to intensely about something. A time that inspired me to go through so much pain to get a tattoo. And anyway, it's badass!!! But then I told Christt last night, and he's so fucking nice!!! He was accepting and beautiful. I fucking love that man!!!! He made me feel so much better about everything. Ahhhh!!!!
Okay, I'm actually going to write my abstract right now. I just had to get this down.
love

So, Right now I'm listening to the Beatles really loud on vinyl. I've been listening to them non stop for the last week. It's been really nice. I hadn't been able to listen to songs with lyrics because they are all about love, but now i"m feeling better. I've been so busy with Vagina Monologues and this study I'm doing. The auditions for Vag Monos are next week, as well as the due date for our abstract to present at a NATIONAL FUCKING CONVENTION!!!! It's all crazy. I feel like I'm doing so much physically getting ready for all this shit, but also emotionally coming to grips with graduating and leaving Olympia. I'm so excited, but so fucking nervous to not have stuff laid out for me. What do you do after graduation. You live. You no longer have a set thing to follow. I am going to grad school, but I plan on taking 2-3 years off in between. What shall I do. I have so many options.
I'm finally at home with options of things to do. A break, what the fuck is that???? HA
Austin said he can no longer be my friend. I can't tell how sad I am about this.

I'm about to go to a movie. Gone Baby Gone. I'm interested.
Chris left again. This time for good. I don't know what to do with myself. waking up this morning was so hard. The bed still smells like him. I've cried to much. I keep telling myself to be calm and focused on whats at hand. I'm telling myself to breath. I don't think I'm listening much though.
I moved the same day he left. I feel displaced.

This is most of a letter I wrote to Asia.


Hey Baby!
I’m so glad you were thinking the same thing I was. I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while. I’m sorry it took so long to finally get a chance to write this.
First off, it seems like your living situation is definitely not ideal. It’s cool that it’s free and all, but no running water is not a good thing. I really proud of you for going for it at all. I’m proud of you for a lot of things though. I think that the past few months have been really strange and intense for you. I’m proud that you’ve handled it all so well. My beautiful grown up girly boy.
I’m glad you started painting again though. I can’t believe Zan is old enough for college. Were we like her when we started all of this. I know we weren’t, but it seems so strange for it to be so different. I’m glad she’s out of the house though. I think your mom will probably get lonely though.
So, Chris comes back in 10 days. I’m still worried that he’s going to break my heart again, but I feel like I’ve learned a lot the past few months. For one thing, this is the first time my heart has been broken, so that was interesting. But also, I feel a lot less romantic. I’ve lost a lot of my desire to plan for the future or even talk about it. I don’t even want to think about kids. A part of me is really grieving for this loss, but I think it will help me out in the long run. I feel like I’ve lost some tenderness though.
I’m done with physics and just working now. I don’t know how I’ve gotten through this summer. I’ve cried so much. I really don’t like being this far away from my family and friends, especially you. I feel really dislocated here. As if it’s just temporary and I’m waiting to leave. Which I am. I’m so ready to be done with college. I just need this last year to organize stuff and then I’m out. I can’t wait. I know you disagree with me rushing through and all, but I can’t help it. I just want to be done.
I’ve been really restless lately. I’ve been changing my clothes almost 5 times a day (that’s a bad sign). It’s time for me to move or change something big. I actually considered shaving my head. I don’t know what’s wrong, but something definitely is. I just want to go and leave everything behind. I want to live in France with you next year. I want to leave America. I want to leave. The strangest thing is that I’m happy, but at the same time I want to ditch everything and disappear. Maybe its just summer getting to me. I think I just really want a friend here. All my friends are gone for the summer, so I’m really lonely as well.
I still haven’t talked to Brett. I’m really hoping he’s okay. I think about him a lot. It was so strange to have my close friend taken out of my life so suddenly. I messaged him today, but he didn’t respond. I miss him.
We really need to pin down plans for what we’re doing this summer. My Aunt Barbee invited us down to Chile a few weeks ago, so that’s definitely an option. If you don’t want to do that though, it’s okay. We can do whatever, but I just want to decide. I don’t want something happening like it did last summer and just fuck everything up. I actually want to plan something soon.
I know this is really scattered. I’m feeling scattered lately. But I love you. I wish I could be there for you and talk everything through with you. I wish I could read your tarot for you and discuss our dreams. Life is weird and hard, but I do know for certain that I’ll always want to be near you and talking to you. You’re my best friend. I feel like there is so much more to say, but no way to say it. Hmmm. I’m glad we’re still connected. I’m very glad. I think about you a lot when I need hope, which has been frequent lately.
I love you like the tree loves its mountain,
CasCas

Wow. So many things happened this summer. On one hand, it was horrible, and on the other, it was eye-opening. I guess I can't finish this right now because my friend little ryan , who is staying with me for a few days, just came back. It's really annoying. ARGH.

Last night was SO crazy. I'm still reeling from it and making phone calls about it. Where did it go wrong? How did it all happen? Shit!!!!
I was designated driver for the last night of drinking for my friend Brett. Until midnight, it was fun. I had to keep a watch on him, but he was doing good. We went to the movie theater and saw a movie, got french fries at Darby's. It was all good. Then at 12:30 am I wanted to go home and he wouldn't let me. We got my friend Hudson instead and went to his house, after they got beer. It was all good. I was sitting in the back room reading for a few minutes. I start to hear Brett get louder and louder so I try to take him home. I come out and he's in a battle of wills with this kid he didn't even know. As soon as Brett released him Hudson and I got him in the car. Thats where it all went downhill. We drove him home, but he kept telling me to go somewhere else. We finally got him inside and he wouldn't go to bed, but he wouldn't let us leave. He kept challenging Hudson and screaming that Hudson wasn't a man and that he needed to face his fears. Hudson started yelling, I started crying, and Brett got violent. He broke his kitchen counter, tore of his clothes and started crying. Hudson went outside and Brett pushed me out the door and slammed it on my face. He kept slamming it and then he punched the glass in the door. I got a cut on my face from it flying at me. Hudson and I didn't leave quite yet because I was crying too much to drive and I was worried that he'd hurt himself. Brett came outside though and was bleeding everywhere. We took him to the hospital. There he was obviously out of sorts. I did all the paperwork for him and we sat down. He got bandaged, but he needed stitches. We were in the lobby waiting for a bed and he started telling me he was going to leave. I thought he meant he was going to leave Olympia in a while. I was wrong. He got up and pried open an authorized entrance only door and ran down the hall to find a roof. I got the security guard. When the security guard finally came back, he asked me if Brett was on any hard drugs, like Meth, and that Brett was handcuffed and arrested in the back, tied down and being treated. I went home after I made sure there was nothing we could do. I called his parents, talked to his roommate. I hope he's okay. He needs a good therapist and to get a grip. Fuck.

Not my stool sample, but my lovely stool.

Tommorrow I talk to Christt. I'm worried and excited. I'll finally know something of what might be going on.
I'm overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed and totally underwhelmed at the same time. I feel like I've kinda lost say in my life. I guess that's the outcome of waiting.

I wish I had more to say. So many of my thoughts right now are undescribable. I'm sad through and through. I want to tell Christt my dream. But I can't.

At least I have my stool. smile.

I miss Christt. In Thirteen days I might actually know something that's going on. I hope he's well. I hope I hear from him.

Physics is intense. Oh what a strange summer. I suppose they all are strange, but things seem much more complicated now. I guess that's the bliss of hindsight.

I just wish...I don't even know. I wish for a letter to come in the mail. That's all.

I really don't know what to do. I'm back home and I suppose everything is beginning. I can't help feeling stuck in between incrediblely thankful and horrible sad. Nothing will ever be the same again, but hopefully it can be better.